Dearest,
Sorry for the delay. For some reason it's been taking me longer than usual to write to you this year's Valentines letter. I can tell you that I've been busy, life has been crazy lately, I haven't had the time but these will all end up as EXCUSES. Rather, I'd like to say that I couldn't write one yet because God has been teaching me a lot about myself and you lately. Perhaps because almost everyday I've written shorter but heartfelt notes for you in my Moleskine.
Enough for that disclaimer. I want to ask about you? How have you been the past year? I hope you've been healthy, full of joy and at peace with all that this world has thrown at you. I guess I have this feeling that no matter how much you smile, how strong you appear to be, how perfect others may think your life is, you somehow at some point, also end up like me. Sick, tired, and even lonesome at times. I just pray that the Lord has been there with you, healing you, comforting you, encouraging you, and reminding you of how loved and valued you are.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year, for me it hasn't been all that great but because of it, I got to spend more time with the Lord. More time just enjoying Him, more time just trusting him, and more time seeking Him in all areas of my life. This year, though it has kind of been tough on me, I praise God for it. It is in this time that he has brought Truth and light into areas in my life that have been left untouched. It's also in this year that He's developed my faith further and brought it to greater heights.
It's funny how I know that life could have been worse if not for me encountering a personal Jesus many years ago. I know that no matter how hard life gets, I'll be fine. Not always rainbows and birds chirping, but in the end I will be okay knowing I have my Lord God with me. In front of me, leading me when I don't know where or how to go about things, beside me when I need a shoulder to cry on and happens to be alone, behind me pushing me forward when I can't push myself out there anymore. I pray that you encounter the very same personal Jesus that I have on a daily basis. He'll get you through life's curve balls.
You know it's in this year that I in all honesty realized, it can get lonely at times. There I said it. The bus rides to far places that make me pray to God for protection and company, that make me mumble to God in prayer that next time, I have you traveling beside me. Walking the streets at night and admitting that it'd be nice to have someone walk with me some time. The coffee or meals shared with no one. Admitting this is kind of hard for me, because all of these things that I used to have no qualms with doing alone and enjoyed, well now they kind of bother me. I realized that I long to share more of my heart and life with someone, to be pursued, to be fought for, to be taken a risk on just as Christ did not being sure whether we'd accept Him in the end.
Just so you'd understand, I think it was in 2011 that I honestly asked God to hide me. Like really hide me. I got tired of the emotional highs and lows that I've been getting from some guys and told God I'll busy myself in Him, ministry, family, household, friends, travel and work. I prayed for Him to protect me and ward off men not from Him and that I didn't want to have anything to do with it unless it is already the man from His hand.
It was in this year however that I had my chances with others but chose to stay firm knowing that the Lord has you waiting in faith for me too. I'm sorry for the times I may have wavered, for the days that I have felt like giving up on praying for you. Rest assured though that the Lord has dealt with me on all of these things. That He has taught me how to have more persistence, determination, patience, faith, self discipline, and selflessness as I wait for you. Thank God for His word and His people that keep me going in the right direction and calls my attention when I'm about to cave in again. I pray that you have these too.
At the end of the day, I remember the words of Bruce Cockburn, "Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight." Know that I will fight this fight of faith for you because God has reminded me time and time again that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
So hang in there okay? Keep me in your prayers. Know that you're not alone in this fight of faith.
'Til God leads me to you,
Ressa
"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he has promised." Romans 4:20-21
