THE GOD OF SURPRISES | The God Who Sees | An Almost Love Letter But Not Quite

Having trouble sleeping yet again. Probably because I am too overwhelmed with all the love today. I woke up not knowing that the rest of my day would be filled with so many surprises and so much love.

I look at the date and see that it is still 4 days until Valentines and remembered that I should be writing a love letter again to God knows who for the nth time, but I haven't thought of anything to write so I'll just tell you how much my God loves me.

My love language isn't really much into gifts. My giving language is quality time tied with acts of service; words of affirmation, touch and gifts triple tied if there is such a term.

Receiving love however varies a little bit with gifts being the very last. I wasn't that surprised. You see, I am not really into receiving. I am more of a giver. My time, my heart, my actions, a hug or a pat on the shoulder or a held hand, I easily give. It comes as second nature to me. I have a hard time asking for and receiving material things. 

I don't know if it has something to do with being the eldest or perhaps it's a complex of mine. I also used to hate surprises, to a flaw. I have a type A personality. Needing to know what, when, how and why all the time.

Today however, God surprised me twice. I wanted to get coffee but before I could even leave my seat, my colleague placed an iced coffee on my table saying "Gipahatag ni Arrah." which in Visayan means, it was being given by Arrah. I jumped up, smiled and was just filled with so much joy. I think more than the coffee in my favorite flavor, it made me feel thought of. Like someone has seen me. Someone who knew even the smallest details that could make me smile. 

Later in the afternoon, upon coming home, I saw a package but ignored it. Thinking it was probably for my sisters since I didn't order anything. I also wasn't expecting anything since I've ordered way too much the past months. Then when I took a closer look at the parcel, it was addressed in my name. From a good friend of mine Gracia. Gracia is someone I have only met once in my lifetime, but perhaps it was our same love for God and good books that brought us together and bonded us. She has been my source of books and Bibles for the longest time. Every 3 years I gift my Bible to someone. It is this year that I need to let go of it again. 

Now, the funny thing is that I was the one who asked Gracia for her address last year, remembering her and wanting to send a surprise package anytime within the duration of this year, so it surprised me when she sent me something first considering that the last time she sent me something was in 2019 while I was healing from my accident.

Now to add on to my confusion turned delight, the even stranger thing is that I don't recall sending her my address. The fact that she knew where to send me this gift, the same way that Arrah knew I was still in the office, just when I was about to leave to buy myself coffee, makes me realize that that's how my God is. He knows exactly where I'm at. He knows exactly what my heart needs and most specially what my heart desires even when I don't utter a thing. He just knows. Like how a good and all knowing Father truly knows their child, and is very much eager to give to bring joy to His beloved. 

Gracia also included a note that said, "I remember you liking these books on my wall." I REMEMBER. Those words are enough to get me teary-eyed as I find the right words. HE REMEMBERS. HE NOTICES. HE HEARS. HE SEES US.

Today reminded me of what ate Donna once told me, "You don't have it yet because God knows you don't need it yet. He knows exactly who, when and how to make it come your way." 

So to my ladies, my sisters in Christ who became God's instrument in reminding me of these things, I pray that the Lord will meet you in your needs and your desires as well. I pray that the Lord meets you in your unuttered thoughts and prayers. 

May Proverbs 31:25 forever ring true and exude in your life, "She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."

Happy Heart's Day! Your heart is so precious that His Son's own heart stopped beating for you.

Ressa Do You Love Me?|Not Yet the 2021 Valentines Letter But Getting There

Most of the time, I try to start coming up with the words to write my love letter to God knows who before Valentines so I could schedule its release on the dot since I know many of my followers look out for it. Every. Year. Though this time exactly 12 years after I wrote my first one, I seem to have encountered a writer's block. 

Probably because this year, I AM GOING BACK TO THE VINE. The ONLY TRUE LOVER OF MY SOUL. The ONE WHO SAW ME MANY YEARS AGO. The ONE THAT CHOSE ME. The ONE THAT UPON SEEING ME, SMILED AND SAID, YOU RESSA, ARE MINE. The ONE WHO CHOOSES ME, YET AGAIN, EACH AND EVERY TIME. The ONE WHO TRULY DELIGHTS IN ME.

Lately, I have been busy with my quiet times and focusing on my prayer life. Praying not only for myself but the burdens God has given me. Mostly for my family, colleagues, and ministry, church family that he prompts me to reach out to to help build His church. Letting the Holy Spirit guide me in who to grasp in back to the Vine. Recalling and thanking the people I have walked with and who have been a tremendous reason as to why I am still walking in Christ. Being the kind of daughter and follower of Christ he commissioned me to be. 

Just like the bride that was found without oil when the master came, I don't want to be found sleeping, empty and unprepared. The master then said, "I DO NOT KNOW YOU." I desire to be the bride brimming with oil. Always ready to meet Him when He comes. READ Matthew 25:1-13. 

Sometimes I ask God why some prayers have been left still yet unanswered. Do I not love Him enough? Do I not read my Bible enough? Have I not served enough? Have I not poured into the lives of others enough? Have I not suffered enough? Have I not cried out to Him in the depths of my heart enough?

Then He answered. In the depths and quietness of dawn, He has answered. Like He always does and will continue to do so. 

He answered me in John 21:15-19 when Jesus, the God of the new testament reinstated Peter. He earnestly asked him if he loved him, 3 times. On the third time that Christ queried and looked earnestly into Simon Peter's heart, Simon started to feel bad and probably borderline annoyed, said "Yes Lord, You know all things, you know that I love you." Yet Christ seals the conversation with, "THEN FEED MY SHEEP." What then is the take away from this? If we love God the way we proclaim we do, then we MUST TAKE CARE OF AND FEED THE FLOCK. 

I guess this spoke a lot to me. If many of you know my walk, I have been serving as a young professional leader in our church both in Victory Dumaguete and Every Nation Tokyo Shibuya for the past 12 years since I got to know and accept Christ as my personal Lord and Savior.

I served alongside great men and women in the church, most of them have been called into different seasons and locations in life. I only have a few left proximity wise. I have gone through transition upon transition. Pouring into the lives of others only to have to be asked by God to let go. Painstakingly and bittersweetly let go and go through the grueling process of building new relationships, not knowing when God will say yet again, "OK RESSA, GIVE IT TO ME. LET GO." As He pries away my clenched fist, removing each finger as I struggled, wrestled, and begged to keep these relationships with me. 

I thought that like other leaders that get called to other churches in other countries, observing how they would take a transition or warming up of 1-2years to get back to connecting and leading in their new home churches again would also happen to me, but nope. God wouldn't have it. It happened to most but not me. Knowing that just like Paul I was commissioned to go to different churches upon arrival in Japan, to serve, encourage, comfort, build up the 2 churches He called me to go to, I basically had no break in my leadership walk. 

It was only when I returned from Japan for good in 2017, that I finally took a much needed break from everything, and got some rest. Reconnecting with family and friends. Focusing on taking off where I left off before leaving for Japan. 

However, those years were in all honesty, not the best years of both my spiritual and personal life. Being in between jobs, breaking my leg, pandemic. The past 2 years not intentionally though, as time and circumstances forced me to take a break; but hey it is what it is and much needed if I must say so myself. Still utterly grateful for the season that was.

In the midst of all this resting, I guess God slowly tugged at my heart, "Ressa, do you love me?" Like Peter I answered, "Oh come on Lord, you know I do." so God leaves me with, "Then you know what to do. Done deal." 

2021 and the years ahead will be the best of my years. I just know it. 

As for this year's Valentines letter to God knows who? ABANGAN. It will be raw, and just like any good and perfect gift from the Lord, it will be one of the best letters yet.

What Covid has Stolen from this Generation|YOU ARE WHAT SOMEONE DESPERATELY NEEDS

Sadly, COVID has made us such cold people. In trying to make sure I keep my father, my sisters and my friends with children or babies safe, I hardly touch people; which isn't too hard for me since I got to practice social distancing while I lived in Japan for a year and a half. Who knew that wearing masks and keeping distance would mean so much when we get hit by a pandemic that requires such measures.

Yet looking back, this is probably the exact reason why I decided to come home. I only got hugs on Sundays from church family or when a sneaky student can steal a hug from me at work (which I sheepishly accept with a school manager nodding that it's okay since in Japan, keeping distance is the norm.) 

When I got mugged, I never shed a tear. Not until I was with church family on Sunday and they gave me so much warmth. Not just from Filipino churchmates but from Japanese friends as well.

There were times that my student would have such big problems on their shoulders and it was only through touch, a pat on the back or a quick tap on their hand, that I could be there for them. Then they would translate on their phones that they needed that. That after that class, she was going to jump on the train tracks but because of that hug, it changed her mind. Another student told me he was crying with anxiety due to exams and school demands. Society's expectation to study3x, work3x, earn3x but because of the last tap on the shoulder I gave him before we ended class where I said, "Hey, see you. I'm always glad to see you. I expect you in class next week. Don't do anything stupid." is the reason why he appeared in class again the following week. A hug from my 3 year old when I just lost my grandfather made me grateful for her. She probably thought that she got warmth from her favorite teacher Ressa, but that hug did wonders for a grieving adult who had no family to come home to, to help deal with the grief.

The past year, I kind of felt the same way. In my home country at that, and I hate it. I can't hug people, people can't hug me. In order to protect one another, we have lost that warmth. That connection. Yet I hugged a friend who lost her father during this pandemic because I felt at that time that's what Christ would have wanted me to do for her. We just well didn't breathe during the entire time of the hug. LOL

I mean where do you draw the line between trying to be distant to protect your loved ones and your friends, and being too distant that you end up losing what it means to be human, and being the light that God made you to be during dark times such as these?

I'm currently reading a book by Joena San Diego who I recently found out happens to be a fellow churchmate from Victory Pasig and I quote, "Don't hold back your love from anything you say or do, dear friend, because His love through your life can change the lives of many. YOU ARE WHAT SOMEONE DESPERATELY NEEDS.", emphasis mine. 

1 Corinthians 16:14, "Let all that you do be done in love." Whether it be in a hug or a phone call. Check on your strong friends. Be intentional when you reach out to someone. That though we can't quickly date as much as we wanted to, as often as we're used to, that that person knows that you are still there. Praying for them before they even utter a word.

This year, I want to exude more love and warmth. Who knows, that love will save another struggling soul. The same way it saved mine when I needed it the most. 

Sorry but I Don't Do Coffee Anymore

I never thought I'd live a life where I would ever not be coffee dependent.  You see, If you've known me for quite some time, you'd know I live for coffee. My usual headaches come from not having my daily dose of coffee. A month clear of coffee. Wew!

I don't know. There's something about it. The quietness of having a cup of coffee by myself or the company, good conversations and sometimes the comfortable silence that comes along with drinking coffee with a good friend.

It's true what they say that it takes more or less 21 days to kick a habit and by far, this is probably the only habit I've kicked.

I'm not going to say it wasn't hard. Specially when you smell the brew coming from the person beside you, it's so tempting. I won't say I don't feel like grabbing a cup for myself; but truly the benefits have surely outweighed my choice to distance myself from it.

The past few weeks, I have had no migraines, no heart stopping mimics of what I'd think was a mini heart attack (but was actually acid reflux) and lesser anxiety. I've also lost 6kilos since I decided to stop drinking coffee.

If my memory serves me right, the last one I had was before the wedding that I attended that culminated in my accident. Perhaps knowing that I needed more calcium than caffeine to strengthen my bones, helped me wean myself from it.

So I apologize if I have to decline your coffee invites from now on. I guess we'll just have to check if they have milk, tea, a blueberry cheesecake or a white-cheese brownie for me.

Here's to a year full of breaking habits that will benefit us all in the end! We all know there are some things we can do away with anyway. Learn to let go of them.

For everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

5 Years Later.. A Valentines Letter

Dear You,

I don't know where to start. Maybe by apologizing? For stopping the letters. I realized that it's been 5 years exactly since the last letter. As to why I stopped writing to you, I don't really know? It's mind-boggling really since I can't put my finger to an exact reason.

Perhaps I got too busy? Perhaps life got in the way. Or perhaps though I would not like to admit it, I got tired. Exhausted may even be the right word.

The past years that I've stopped writing, I learned a lot about myself and God. 

Where do I begin? Maybe in the first year I stopped writing.

In 2015, Things went by in a blur.  A good blur though. I finally got to be me. To go after things I prayed for in years. I finally practiced what I studied painstakingly in college for. I stepped foot in the Land of the Rising Sun. Something that I thought was a shelved dream in college, yet when God has His hands on it, it will be swift. Not completely trouble-free but in most parts, everything will be smooth.

This was the year that God enabled me to explore and get lost; but a good kind of lost since it was during these times that I found myself. Met a lot of interesting people. From all walks of life, ages, cultural backrounds even different faiths or lack of. From Atheists, Agnostic, Buddhist, Shinto, Jews. This opened my eyes and my heart. My heart became bigger. I prayed harder for people. I understood God's bigger picture. I understood more clearly what the gospel John meant.

In 2016, I got mugged and 2 weeks right after, I lost my grandfather in the Philippines. Being away from all loved ones and keeping things to myself so as to not worry my family back home. Handling these 2 life-altering events alone, made me pray harder for you. This was probably the time that I prayed for you when I woke up and when I went to sleep. I realized that in all the good things I experienced, all the good food I ate, but mostly in the most terrifying and saddest events in my life, I wanted to have someone to share it all with. I uttered a silent prayer that as much as God has kept me safe and healthy away from home, that He shielded you and your loved ones from all harm and illness too.

I went home that year and a good friend of mine prayed for you. In tears she said "Lord, I pray for Ressa's husband. That You will bring to her the man that she will share life's joys and burdens with." That prayer stuck to me and I realized that even as I lived my life as a content single young professional, God has touched the hearts of people around me to pray not only for me but you.

In 2017, I made up for lost time with family and adjusted to making my home into home again. 

In 2018, This was the most painful year by far. So much was happening internally. Many of which, only God knew about. This was a year of surrender in many areas of my life.

2019, I started it with a week-long flu, and on the day of my last antibiotic, I broke my leg. Both bones into 3. 24 stitches and a plate. Yet my heart is so full. My leg is of steel but my heart is still. So hopeful. So excited for what God has in store. It's been a few months in, and God has taught me so much about His Sovereignty and love. I've learned to communicate better and being okay with being helpless so that others can help and care for  me. This is the year that it's been 10 years since I met Him. I recall a decade ago when I let go of something very dear to me in hope and trust that God will provide someone who I will take a risk in once he has taken a risk in me. It is in this year that I have never been the most expectant for all the great things He has in store for me. If you come, you come. If still not yet, Christ has been and will forever be, more than enough.

I hope these short recaps of how the past 5 years show you how much God has come through for me. I pray that in those 5 years, though I have failed to write, that you know I have been praying for you. Maybe at times intently, at times haphazardly. As for the times I have failed, I pray that God has kept you well. I pray that as much as God has been molding me for you, He has been molding you for me. 

I can't wait to finally meet you and share more of how life's been the past decade I've been in Christ and waiting for you.

"Don’t be weary in prayer; keep at it; watch for God’s answers, and remember to be thankful when they come." Colossians 4:2

Until then,

Ressa

A Partner for the Next 2 Months

Now before you all go crazy, this partner is.. my crutches!

My PT told me to treat my crutches on our first session, "Treat this as your friend, after all it will be your partner for at most the next 2 months."

The past few weeks with my so called partner, I have learned the past few things:

1. I need to GET TO KNOW my partner.

2. As I let it get to know me, I need to BE COMFORTABLE with it.

3. I NEED TO TRUST my crutches. Wobble2x at the beginning but indeed, it's helped me prevent further accidents.

4. My crutches BALANCES ME OUT.

5. NO CHEATING. There are NO SHORTCUTS. The more you do shortcuts, the more accidents are prone to happen.

6. In relation to number 5, CHILL. Take your time.

7. GET USED to your partner.

8. Your crutches will help you in carrying your weight. DON'T BE AFRAID TO LET IT CARRY THE BURDEN.

9. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE, always use both of them.

10. Sooner rather than later, you will be able to STAND ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT IT.

So there you are! Not exactly the post some of you were expecting at the beginning, but hey the things you learn from crutches.

Broken Bones are Lovely Bones

Last night, I lay in my bed reflecting on how Christ may have felt when His bones were broken. Why was it that I was never in pain and had peace during the entirety of my accident? Then I came to realize that perhaps because many years ago, someone else bore all that pain for me and all of mankind.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

Backtrack to what happened.

I attended a high school friend's wedding. On the way to my car to drive myself and a few friends home, my wedge heels got stuck in between those canal covers and I fell down. My left leg under my right, forming a "de-quatro" or figure 4. I thought it was just one of those slips so I tried to get up. When I couldn't get up, I knew something was horribly wrong.

A good friend of mine Dan, was able to flash some light and he said "Don't look. Let me ask for help." As we waited for the ambulance in the darkness I asked God why. Why me? I already ended 2018 by not being able to enjoy it due to a 1 week flu. I'm barely recovering and still on my last day of antibiotics then this? What a way to welcome 2019.

Yet in the stillness of the night, I came to understand that in God's Sovereignty it would have been impossible for him to have missed this. That He could have prevented things from happening yet He allowed it. 

Not to say that my broken leg was of God's doing but I came to remember Job. One of my favorite characters in the Bible. Who is known to be God's faithful. Even when he lost his flocks, his estate, his children, his wife and then lastly was hit with boils. 

The very enemy plotted hard to prove that all these taken away, Job will waver and curse the Lord. As satan went to God to tell him about his scheming plans, the Lord replied "Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man do not lay a finger." (Job 1:12)

The Lord said this about Job, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me to ruin him without any reason." (Job 3:4)

The thought alone that the Lord was with me amidst darkness and that He was still in control of my life, that even the enemy has to consult Him with what to do with me, comforted me as I waited for the ambulance. As I wondered why I couldn't have just reached my car as I usually would have, I realized that perhaps God wanted to prevent a full-on car accident with my 2 friends. That perhaps in His goodness I was given a broken leg over broken hips. I prayed that just like Job I hope I would come out of this ordeal as His most faithful.

Upon arriving at the ER, I honestly thought my friend Dan would leave me once my family arrived. Yet he didn't. He stayed with me til 6 in the morning. Even as his mother was telling him to go home, he never left my side. This showed me friendship at it's finest. 

You see, I'm the person that takes care of people and not the other way around. I'm the one used to being inconvenienced for others. The one that has it all together. The one who is always relied on. Yet at that point, I was at my most helpless. I had to rely on family and friends.

Today, I look at my right leg, with both bones broken into 3, plate and all 24 stitches, and see the beauty amidst suffering. Realizing that there is beauty in brokenness. 

This Saturday, my stitches will be removed but may my scars always remind me of God's love. Of how God loved me so much with an overwhelming love and care these past days through my sisters, my parents, my aunts, cousins, friends and church family. His amazing extension of healing from my medical team, from my aides, nurses and physical therapists.

Sometimes we doubt God's love when circumstances dictate we should. Sometimes we ask Him why and it is during these times that He answers. Perhaps not the ideal answers we long for but indeed He answers.

For the benefit of those who are still asking what happened, I hope this blog encapsulates everything. 

To my angels, you already know who you are. Thank you for being Christ's extension of His love for me.

To my ever-loving and Sovereign Father, thank You for answering me in the darkness of the night. Thank You for letting me start my 2019 right. I have never been more at peace and rested than in the past week. Truly there is peace and understanding that only You can give. Thank You for my life and my miraculous healing in and through You. Thank you for your goodness and great love for me. Thank You for seeing me.