5 Years Later.. A Valentines Letter

Dear You,

I don't know where to start. Maybe by apologizing? For stopping the letters. I realized that it's been 5 years exactly since the last letter. As to why I stopped writing to you, I don't really know? It's mind-boggling really since I can't put my finger to an exact reason.

Perhaps I got too busy? Perhaps life got in the way. Or perhaps though I would not like to admit it, I got tired. Exhausted may even be the right word.

The past years that I've stopped writing, I learned a lot about myself and God. 

Where do I begin? Maybe in the first year I stopped writing.

In 2015, Things went by in a blur.  A good blur though. I finally got to be me. To go after things I prayed for in years. I finally practiced what I studied painstakingly in college for. I stepped foot in the Land of the Rising Sun. Something that I thought was a shelved dream in college, yet when God has His hands on it, it will be swift. Not completely trouble-free but in most parts, everything will be smooth.

This was the year that God enabled me to explore and get lost; but a good kind of lost since it was during these times that I found myself. Met a lot of interesting people. From all walks of life, ages, cultural backrounds even different faiths or lack of. From Atheists, Agnostic, Buddhist, Shinto, Jews. This opened my eyes and my heart. My heart became bigger. I prayed harder for people. I understood God's bigger picture. I understood more clearly what the gospel John meant.

In 2016, I got mugged and 2 weeks right after, I lost my grandfather in the Philippines. Being away from all loved ones and keeping things to myself so as to not worry my family back home. Handling these 2 life-altering events alone, made me pray harder for you. This was probably the time that I prayed for you when I woke up and when I went to sleep. I realized that in all the good things I experienced, all the good food I ate, but mostly in the most terrifying and saddest events in my life, I wanted to have someone to share it all with. I uttered a silent prayer that as much as God has kept me safe and healthy away from home, that He shielded you and your loved ones from all harm and illness too.

I went home that year and a good friend of mine prayed for you. In tears she said "Lord, I pray for Ressa's husband. That You will bring to her the man that she will share life's joys and burdens with." That prayer stuck to me and I realized that even as I lived my life as a content single young professional, God has touched the hearts of people around me to pray not only for me but you.

In 2017, I made up for lost time with family and adjusted to making my home into home again. 

In 2018, This was the most painful year by far. So much was happening internally. Many of which, only God knew about. This was a year of surrender in many areas of my life.

2019, I started it with a week-long flu, and on the day of my last antibiotic, I broke my leg. Both bones into 3. 24 stitches and a plate. Yet my heart is so full. My leg is of steel but my heart is still. So hopeful. So excited for what God has in store. It's been a few months in, and God has taught me so much about His Sovereignty and love. I've learned to communicate better and being okay with being helpless so that others can help and care for  me. This is the year that it's been 10 years since I met Him. I recall a decade ago when I let go of something very dear to me in hope and trust that God will provide someone who I will take a risk in once he has taken a risk in me. It is in this year that I have never been the most expectant for all the great things He has in store for me. If you come, you come. If still not yet, Christ has been and will forever be, more than enough.

I hope these short recaps of how the past 5 years show you how much God has come through for me. I pray that in those 5 years, though I have failed to write, that you know I have been praying for you. Maybe at times intently, at times haphazardly. As for the times I have failed, I pray that God has kept you well. I pray that as much as God has been molding me for you, He has been molding you for me. 

I can't wait to finally meet you and share more of how life's been the past decade I've been in Christ and waiting for you.

"Don’t be weary in prayer; keep at it; watch for God’s answers, and remember to be thankful when they come." Colossians 4:2

Until then,

Ressa

A Partner for the Next 2 Months

Now before you all go crazy, this partner is.. my crutches!

My PT told me to treat my crutches on our first session, "Treat this as your friend, after all it will be your partner for at most the next 2 months."

The past few weeks with my so called partner, I have learned the past few things:

1. I need to GET TO KNOW my partner.

2. As I let it get to know me, I need to BE COMFORTABLE with it.

3. I NEED TO TRUST my crutches. Wobble2x at the beginning but indeed, it's helped me prevent further accidents.

4. My crutches BALANCES ME OUT.

5. NO CHEATING. There are NO SHORTCUTS. The more you do shortcuts, the more accidents are prone to happen.

6. In relation to number 5, CHILL. Take your time.

7. GET USED to your partner.

8. Your crutches will help you in carrying your weight. DON'T BE AFRAID TO LET IT CARRY THE BURDEN.

9. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE, always use both of them.

10. Sooner rather than later, you will be able to STAND ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT IT.

So there you are! Not exactly the post some of you were expecting at the beginning, but hey the things you learn from crutches.

Broken Bones are Lovely Bones

Last night, I lay in my bed reflecting on how Christ may have felt when His bones were broken. Why was it that I was never in pain and had peace during the entirety of my accident? Then I came to realize that perhaps because many years ago, someone else bore all that pain for me and all of mankind.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

Backtrack to what happened.

I attended a high school friend's wedding. On the way to my car to drive myself and a few friends home, my wedge heels got stuck in between those canal covers and I fell down. My left leg under my right, forming a "de-quatro" or figure 4. I thought it was just one of those slips so I tried to get up. When I couldn't get up, I knew something was horribly wrong.

A good friend of mine Dan, was able to flash some light and he said "Don't look. Let me ask for help." As we waited for the ambulance in the darkness I asked God why. Why me? I already ended 2018 by not being able to enjoy it due to a 1 week flu. I'm barely recovering and still on my last day of antibiotics then this? What a way to welcome 2019.

Yet in the stillness of the night, I came to understand that in God's Sovereignty it would have been impossible for him to have missed this. That He could have prevented things from happening yet He allowed it. 

Not to say that my broken leg was of God's doing but I came to remember Job. One of my favorite characters in the Bible. Who is known to be God's faithful. Even when he lost his flocks, his estate, his children, his wife and then lastly was hit with boils. 

The very enemy plotted hard to prove that all these taken away, Job will waver and curse the Lord. As satan went to God to tell him about his scheming plans, the Lord replied "Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man do not lay a finger." (Job 1:12)

The Lord said this about Job, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me to ruin him without any reason." (Job 3:4)

The thought alone that the Lord was with me amidst darkness and that He was still in control of my life, that even the enemy has to consult Him with what to do with me, comforted me as I waited for the ambulance. As I wondered why I couldn't have just reached my car as I usually would have, I realized that perhaps God wanted to prevent a full-on car accident with my 2 friends. That perhaps in His goodness I was given a broken leg over broken hips. I prayed that just like Job I hope I would come out of this ordeal as His most faithful.

Upon arriving at the ER, I honestly thought my friend Dan would leave me once my family arrived. Yet he didn't. He stayed with me til 6 in the morning. Even as his mother was telling him to go home, he never left my side. This showed me friendship at it's finest. 

You see, I'm the person that takes care of people and not the other way around. I'm the one used to being inconvenienced for others. The one that has it all together. The one who is always relied on. Yet at that point, I was at my most helpless. I had to rely on family and friends.

Today, I look at my right leg, with both bones broken into 3, plate and all 24 stitches, and see the beauty amidst suffering. Realizing that there is beauty in brokenness. 

This Saturday, my stitches will be removed but may my scars always remind me of God's love. Of how God loved me so much with an overwhelming love and care these past days through my sisters, my parents, my aunts, cousins, friends and church family. His amazing extension of healing from my medical team, from my aides, nurses and physical therapists.

Sometimes we doubt God's love when circumstances dictate we should. Sometimes we ask Him why and it is during these times that He answers. Perhaps not the ideal answers we long for but indeed He answers.

For the benefit of those who are still asking what happened, I hope this blog encapsulates everything. 

To my angels, you already know who you are. Thank you for being Christ's extension of His love for me.

To my ever-loving and Sovereign Father, thank You for answering me in the darkness of the night. Thank You for letting me start my 2019 right. I have never been more at peace and rested than in the past week. Truly there is peace and understanding that only You can give. Thank You for my life and my miraculous healing in and through You. Thank you for your goodness and great love for me. Thank You for seeing me.

On Surrendering

The past days I've been exhausted. Literally. In all sense of the word. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually then eventually physically.

My body finally gave in. The Ressa who has gotten used to always working, being always on the go has finally stopped functioning. I became tied to my bed for 3 days and counting. I couldn't drive, let alone walk. The worst way to end 2018. The worst way to welcome 2019.

It would have been great if being sick made my brain stop from thinking altogether. I still worked and made calls from my bed. I couldn't sleep either way. There's just so many things that need to be done. Eventually, after accomplishing what I had to do, I finally slept. The longest I probably had in the past few months.

Who knew I could also get exhausted from being exhausted.

I recalled the conversation I had with my discipler. Ate RJ and Kuya Migs right before I got sick.  When they asked how I was, that was the main gist of everything, EXHAUSTED. I told them how I noticed a cycle. It's always been that way. It always ended up that way. It's not as if I never learned and applied the lessons. I always have. I was always quick to obey. Yet the outcome was always sadly the same.

The answer Kuya Migs had was "Sometimes it's not about you. It's not even about you lacking something. If there is one thing we learned since we also went through that season is: SURRENDER. Perhaps the reason why God allows you to go through it over and over again is for you to come to a point of SURRENDER."

Total SURRENDER. Seems so easy. One word. Yet it took only the past few days of helplessness and complete exhaustion to teach me to finally say "LORD, INTO YOUR HANDS I SURRENDER."

So here's to a 2019 of me surrendering. Of putting everything back at the foot of your cross. Do as You find pleasing even when I may not understand Your ways most of the time.

On friendship

I learned that not everybody you meet will be a good friend. Some will be good for a while, then when that season is done they leave. Some teach you to be a better person while others make you realize that you actually are a good person.

One way or another, you learn more and more about yourself. You realize that it takes effort to make and retain a friendship. That those who value you will let it be known through the distance and over time.

I also learned that not everyone will have the same heart as you and that's okay. Value those that do and move forward from those who only continue to take rather than to give. At least you know that at the end of the day, you were not the reason for the demise of that friendship.

That indeed you gave it your all and that there are new friends to meet and and that there will be new friends to keep.

2013 Valentines letter to YOU

Dear You,

Remember when I told you last year that I'd write you a letter every Valentines? Well I remembered that promise. I am a person who keeps her promises. When I know I can't, I don't. Most probably because I myself, don't like it when people get my hopes up and don't see them through.

To be honest though, I didn't feel like writing one. Then again, I've been learning that commitments should not be based on my feelings alone. That I want to be a woman who is able to put to the plate what she said she would.

The past few days, God has dealt with me in many areas of love. One of which is to love without keeping any record of wrongs. A few days ago, I hurt a person I love most in this world, because of something I remembered growing up. I really thought I knew how to love but learned through that experience that I didn't. At least not by Jesus' standards.

This day started extremely well. Today, as I got ready to drive my sisters to school, I told them "If someone wants to give you something, it's okay to accept it and to bring it home. You don't have to hide it and don't forget to say thank you." I guess from this conversation, I'm learning that the key to any relationship specially with children is to keep communication lines open. Let them know what is acceptable according to your faith and   family values.

For my sisters I learned that as their Ate, I want to establish 1. Trust 2. Openness 3. Honesty 4. Gratitude. I want them to know that they can TRUST me that I will not scold them, I won't nag, I will listen but in return they also have to trust that I will always have their best intentions and if I do have to point some things out, it will always be (I hope) for their own good. I want to let them know that they can be open to me and that honesty would always be highly favored, plus even if they lie; I have means in uncovering the truth. HAHA. I want them to know that in everything, give thanks specially when they're blessings. I guess these are little things. These are things that we are taught in Kindergarten yet as we grow older, we are forced to devalue.

The Story of Us

Yesterday, I really thought I wouldn't be able to go to church, much alone worship.

It's just how events work.  It's just the nature of the job.  You will always have to be on your toes.  Expect the unexpected.  Time and time again, we have to remind ourselves that we are also called to be excellent even in the workplace and that such excellence pleases an excellent God.

Saturday evening, I asked 2 good friends to pray with me so that I could attend the 5PM or at the very least, the 7PM service.  Yet I knew that up until the event dinner, I would have to be mobile so in between my tasks yesterday, I fought for some time with the LORD. Fortunately, there was a livestream of a 10AM service on http://www.victoryfort.tv/

I thought that was my closest call to getting my feeding for the day.

I went through my day and enjoyed working with my boss and colleagues.  I enjoyed meeting a couple from my hometown, Laguna.  I smiled when I was told to entertain VIPs.  I had to be on stage most of the time.  I had to assist a performer and call medics when his nose bled after his performance.  I surprisingly was asked to lead the prayer during dinner.  Yet these are things that I'm quick to say yes to because it's why you're there.  Make the most of it.  It's always an opportunity to bless and serve people.

During dinner, I got to finally chill with the working team.  You get to know more about each other.  You learn to laugh the night away.

I am very fortunate to be working in a good environment.  To be meeting new people and learning to serve alongside them. 

Oh and just in case you're wondering, I got to run off just in the nick of time for the 7PM service.  A little late for my own liking since I'm usually always early for Sunday services or any appointment, yet I know that I fought for things that matter.  I fought for my time with You and in return you honored my desire.  I guess that's what "The Story of US" will always be.  Me uttering silent prayers and You being a very generous God to answer.

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42