On Constants

A good car conversation with a friend last night reminded me of my constant.

The constant we always knew. The constant we always held on to. 

The constant we always loved. The constant that we adored.

The constant that we longed for. The constant that delighted in us. 

The constant that craves to be there for us and never leaves us when everyone and everything has failed.

When I woke up this morning, I was reminded of a promise that constant gave me many years ago. That I held on to unceasingly for a season yet have quickly and sadly forgotten.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

Constant and unwavering.

I think now I know the true meaning of this verse. An entirely new meaning then when I first encountered it many years ago.

I used to focus only on the first part, "The every good and perfect gift." Yet today it reminds me of the Father of the heavenly lights, WHO DOES NOT CHANGE LIKE SHIFTING SHADOWS.

Same word but still sheds light into a different season of life. I am reminded that life should be looked upon as seasons and not stages. 

That through every season He is there for us. He will sustain us. Because that's who He is "A good and perfect gift from above that came down to fulfill His promises."

Whatever it is that your heart is holding on to, know that in His hands, in His time, in His terms, in His ways they will come to fruition because of who He is and who we are in relation to him.

He has, He does, He will.

3 Months. You Can Still Turn Things Around. A Reason to Stay.

I've been contemplating on writing again because there really isn't that much to write about.  So where do I begin?

The past year has gone by a blur.  The first half of 2018 hurt.  A lot.  Probably the most in my 31 years of existence.

It has been an excruciating process of holding on, and letting go.  Of getting my hopes up only to be brought down again.  Yet in the middle of the year around May 2018, things slowly picked up.  I started to smile again.

There's still 3 months. 3 good months that the Lord has also made. I know You can turn this around.

You are after all, still the Lord of both answered and unanswered prayers.  The Lord of surprises.  My Lord who will always be for me when even at times, I can't be for me.

A reason to stay.  Just a reason to stay.

An Ode to 2016

It's funny how so many times I resolve to keep my blog alive. Yet it's really something that gets lost with the noise of life.

Perhaps it's the throes of social media that gets in the way. Maybe it's pure idleness. Whatever it is, I will now do my best to just write. Write when something is good, write when something is bad. Write when something is interesting. Write when it's a normal day.

Today, I just encouraged a friend to go back to blogging. I said I'll do the same. I was thinking, you know you're not going to get to it. So here goes! An Ode to 2016. Let's do a breakdown.

January 2016, first time to leave my family after the holidays back to Japan with no tears. This month taught me that you'll get used to it. Saying goodbye and saying hello. Your tearducts will run dry. Knowing that with every goodbye, there will always be that joy of saying hello.

February 2016, nothing too interesting except learning that in Japan girls make the first move. They go through all the trouble to buy and make their own chocolates and give it to the person they adore. If that person receives it, then great. If not, then you eat the chocolates. Either way, it's a win-win situation.

March 2016, everything that you wouldn't want to happen. Not even on your worst enemy. I got mugged on my day off after a day of reaching out to someone from church. After struggling with what little Japanese I knew, then shifting to English then just uttering the name of Jesus in prayer, my Longchamp bag was thrown back at me, the man turns on me on his motorcycle and says Gomenasai (Sorry in Japanese).  3 hours of grueling interrogation with the Chiba Japan police out in the winter cold, going to work with only 4 hours of sleep. This taught me God's protection and the power of His name goes beyond culture and language. I got everything back and survived with only a knee scratch. The man was kind enough not to elbow me or run me over after I kicked his motorcycle twice and caused damage on his bike. Oh well.

Exactly 2 weeks after, the day I was supposed to go back to the police station for a sketch despite the mendoksai (hassle) I find out my Tatay, my loving grandfather is in the ICU. Struggling to understand why things were happening. The mugging then the possibility of losing a loved one, I brought myself to pray. When we found out we lost him, I booked a ticket home, sent my boss an email and left the Land of Rising Sun promising to return in 5 days time. First time to go home feeling like my heart was not beating anymore. I learned how strong I could be because of my God. The importance of family and that at times like this, your job doesn't really matter. You just go home and being with family is all that matters.

April 2016, I move out of my apartment right when I return to Japan. Of course, the man got nothing from me and I damaged his motorcycle. The physical and emotional strength to go back to work, pack like crazy while you still mourn. I credit all that to the grace of God.

May 2016, He brought me to meet new friends. Some stayed and left. I learned to LET IT GO. LET IT BE. Not everybody will value you the way you value them.

June 2016, Went home for my sister's college graduation from the University of the Philippines Diliman. Mom was coming home again. This time we could all smile and rejoice. In March we realized we didn't even have a photo. How can we even think of a photo as we mourned. This was my shortest travel ever. It was just over a long weekend but it was well worth it.

July 2016. Getting new students. Some of them saying farewell first. It's hard because they're the reasons why I go to work but knowing how social media works, it's fine..

So basically it's 4 days til the end of February 2018 and well I failed to even finish this blog entry. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next year. Hear from me then?

3 Months After Getting Mugged in Japan, Losing my Grandfather, Moving to A New Apartment, I WRITE AGAIN

So here I am, needing to pack but haven't done any of that yet. Thinking of what to do first. Realizing this was the same predicament I had 3 months ago when I learned I needed to leave Japan because my grandfather or Tatay as we fondly called him, passed away.

That flight, was the first time of going back home that I was not at all elated. I haven't seen my mother in a year since I left for the Land of the Rising Sun, but I wasn't even excited for that. I cried the night before, I cried the morning I dragged myself to the airport, conditioning myself that once I land in the Philippines I needed to be strong for my mom, my sisters and for the rest of my family. 

When I learned about Tatay's conditon, that was the day I was supposed to go to the Chiba police for another round of interrogation and police sketch of my attacker. To be honest, I contemplated about going in again because I could no longer recall anymore information that I haven't already told them. I mean I've exhausted in much detail to the best of my ability all that I knew during the initial 3 hours of CSI and interrogation we did in the winter cold. As well as another round of questioning and re-enactment the day after.

To cut that short but for you all to get the gist here are some photos which I sent my company that night as proof so they'd understand if I was sort of out of it when I reported to work that day with only 3hrs of sleep in.

Seriously, I went through a lot. From shock to denial, to acceptance that yes I got mugged in what is considered as one of the safest countries in Asia. Shock to denial to acceptance of how stressful it is to be involved in a criminal case in a country I could not speak the language in. I would wear running shoes to work so I could run from the train station to my house (since my mugger has not been caught and since I fought back by kicking his motorcycle twice to fight for my Gaijin card and passport, I was fearful he would come back.)

The ironic thing was I never cried when I got mugged. I only broke down when people at church showed me so much love and concern. I remember going one Sunday and asking for only one thing which was for my peace and joy to be restored. I have always been a smiling person. I loved Japan from the day I stepped foot in it and I was not going to leave the country with such bad memory.

I knew that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 and all I knew was I had to cling on all the more to the Lord for my peace and joy to come back.

Just when I thought I was getting my footing back, exactly 2 weeks from getting mugged, I learned that my Tatay was in critical condition I broke down in tears but still went to work praying he'd be OK. After 24hours, he passed. My only consolation amidst all of my tears was that years ago, my Tatay like me accepted Christ as his personal Lord and Savior and that he is no longer suffering.

So another round of shock to denial to acceptance that my grandfather passed away. Again, when I learned about the news, I cried myself to sleep. I was only able to sleep when I prayed. Woke up the next day to work and booked the first flight out of Japan the next morning.

Fast forward to coming back to Japan after much needed time with family as we coped with the loss of my grandfather together; I was faced with having to clean my apartment out so I could move into a new apartment which I fought hard for due to my safety. 

I honestly was glad to have been with family yet I felt defeated. Defeated enough to even want to stay at the place where I got mugged. Filled with so much exhaustion both emotionally, physically and spiritually. Yet I knew I had to move on. Move forward. That it wasn't where God wanted me to be more so, to remain in. (Another blog entry will be for the answered prayer of my apartment and and another answered prayer in the people God used to help me gain back my peace, joy and security.)

A lot of people think that as a Christian we're exempted from all pain. Being a Christian doesn't work that way. It's not like in Monopoly where we get a free pass before we go to jail or become a millionaire. Not at all. If that was the case then I shouldn't have experienced all of that. I should have been the last person to have been mugged or have lost a loved one. I know I got through it because of Him. Only by His grace, His strength, His love and His peace.

1 Peter 1:7 "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Now I really have to pack. My flight's in a few hours and this time no more tears. Only happy tears. 'Til next blog! 

Where have I been all this time?

It's funny how just this Saturday a college friend asked where exactly I am right now. Perhaps he has been nostalgic of college years and well the last time I saw him was just that, college. So much has happened since then.

A lot of people posted congratulations on my wall a few months back and so some thought I got engaged or married. It's not that. I've just kept my departure and my returns pretty low-key. Only those who have spent their time with me as my departure neared, knew about it.

So here's the story. Around this very time last year I received an opportunity for a teaching job in Japan. From the very start, getting my passport renewed, resigning by faith, praying for a replacement I could train, everything just fell into place. The provision, the time, it all just happened to show off God's glory.

So last March 2015 I was asked about my availability to go to Japan. I had to say no. For the following very important reasons: 1. My youngest sister was graduating and years ago I made a promise I'd be there. You see my sister told me "Ate, I know you can't be with us forever. I understand you have your own life too. But please2x after I graduate elementary. I promise I'll be ready and you can work anywhere in the world." She tells me this I think when she was in the 4th grade or was it 3rd? And I couldn't come to terms with it at first. Coz that meant 2-3 more years during that time.

I knew I wanted something for me. I knew I could do so much more. Be so much more. So I fought God's plans. God's timing. I struggled. To apply for jobs outside of Dumaguete. Sending applications here and there, until the Department of Foreign Affairs Foreign Service Institute invited me for a pre-employment exam so I flew to Manila the next day to take it. Deciding that as I wait for the results, I'll send more applications to embassies and other government institutions.

To cut the story short, the Lord didn't grant me the job there. He made a 1day exam day turn into 2 months to just REST. I have a hard time resting. Specially when bills are piling up. But He granted a good 2 months with family. He granted me time much needed to travel with loved ones, cook for my grandmother, and see my youngest niece celebrate her 1birthmonth celebration.

I came back home having no job, increasing bills. Yet soon as I came home He was faithful. He got me a job. A job that enabled me to pay off piled up bills in less than 3 months. I worked for a Canadian-based publishing company. Worked with such intelligent people and that lasted almost a year. It prepared me for the roller coaster ride the Lord had in plan for me.

Now fastforward to 2015 that turned swiftly into 2016, I'm here! I've been here in the Land of the Rising Sun. It may have taken a while but He got me to where He wanted me. He knows where to take you and exactly how and when. Don't think He has forgotten or that he doesn't remember your heart's longings. Even when you've forgotten them yourself, He is faithful.

Not Another Valentines Post

It's been a while.. Going on 2 years to be exact. Like the title suggests this is not another valentines post though I now find myself celebrating Valentines in Japan, a place where women give chocolates to men.

After being inactive in blogging after my last entry 2 years ago, I have kept telling myself that I would blog about the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to me here in Japan. I'll start off with how He got me here in the first place.

Many years ago I had this dream to come to Japan for a year's exchange program in college. Being chosen as one of those to leave, I was all set. My dad even sent home winter clothes to prepare for my trip. It was then that I heard the news that instead of going with another girl that year, that they've decided to send just 1 that year but that I would be the first to leave the following year.

Of course I was saddened. Only to be comforted by the busyness of being a junior in college, Chairperson of the Silliman Corps of Campus Ambassadors, Vice-Governor of the College of Education, and having my first and only relationship. Which I thought was a good enough reason to not leave for Japan. To make the long story short, I gave up on the Japanese dream.

Upon graduation, I worked and taught Koreans, Vietnamese, Thais, Chinese and my favorite Filipino students. Then wanting to see what else I can do outside of Education and English teaching, I got employed as an Executive Assistant for a Canadian-based Publishing company. I worked from the comforts of home and earning good money. I was happy in that job because I got life-long friends, and a life's worth of knowledge from my boss who was the Business Development Manager. Working not only with him but the Marketing Manager, Sales Teams and at times with the CEO, and meeting authors published by our company face to face was what prepared me for what was to come.

A friend who left the next year in that exchange scholarship remembered me and asked me how life has been since college. He reminded me of how I always wanted to come to Japan and how I could get a job here.

Me being content with where I was kept postponing my application here until I saw how things were falling into place.  Coming to Japan was by faith from start to finish. Staying in Japan is also by faith until I finish my time spent here.

When I asked God in February 2015 whether or not it was right that I leave sisters and my comfortable life in the Philippines behind, this was what he answered in Acts 7:3 “Leave your country and your people,' God said, 'and go to the land I will show you.”

And that’s when I knew the Lord will be with me as I obey and that it will be the start of an entire new season with Him. The rest of this I will continue in my next blog 'else this be my only post for 2016. ;)

Like I said, this is not another valentines post.

Deafening silence: In His deafening silence what do you do?

It's 4:17AM as I write this. I always wanted my next blog entry to be about how God will work wonders and get glory in the area of my career. How he would grant me a breakthrough that I could use to encourage others who are praying for a career shift, struggling with job hunting or just something timely to encourage even the fresh graduates I know.

So I fasted. Knowing that as I fast and devote myself even more in prayer, I will be able to hear from God more clearly. That as I get deeper into His presence as I read Scripture, I will hear His voice. For Christians, as a sheep who knows the sound of its' shepherds voice, I was eager to hear. Eager to have my eyes and my heart opened to what the Father has in store for me. Eager to follow. Eager to obey.

Yet what do you do when all that you get in all the seeking is silence? Silence so deafening. So unsettling. That's what I got. After hearing so clearly from Him through the preached Word during Sunday services week in and week out, when Scripture spoke to me so clearly, when Christian counsel was so encouraging and confirmed a lot of what I already knew that God spoke to me in my quiet times. Suddenly, everything was falling slowly into place. Piece by piece, things started to make sense. And then suddenly this. Wouldn't you struggle to make sense of utter silence? From the One who we know has all the answers. Yet nope. Not even a whisper.

Until I learned. God always makes me learn. I bet He smiles as slowly I am getting that even in His silence, He is there. He is teaching me that though I will not get the answers right away, though He may never answer the way I would want him to, the point in all of this journey is to TRUST. To trust in the God who knows the beginning and the end. To rest knowing that God sees me. In my frustration. In my distress. To understand that just like David, He will not call me to battle unprepared. That though He has already called me, He will make sure I am ready. Ready for the greatness He has in store for me and the people He will entrust to me. 

Dear Jesus, how sweet it is to walk with You. In your clarity and in your silence I rejoice. I am honored to be Your child. For I know You will not withhold any good thing from me because You love me too much. yet in your abundance of love, You will also not give what will harm me. You know me better than I know myself. For you formed me in my mother's womb, you have already set my days before me. In my confusion, I cling to You father. You are more than enough. Meeting you in this silence, I thank you. I would want to be in the center of Your will even if it's in silence than to be elsewhere. I will continue to hope. No longer in the answers but in You who is more than enough. Always.

"For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God Than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!" Psalm 84:10-12